Putting a Stop to Sin
Sin has been trouble since creation time. Whether original, copycat, mortal or venial, it harms some people and makes others feel funny. In all modesty, I have come up with a way to eliminate sin. It’s simple and surefire but, for the nonce, works only in the United States.
As a sentient citizen, you've surely noticed that among their other duties, conservatives keep the books on sin in our land. They’re the ones who alert us to the wages of wankerism, the slough of sodomy, the anguish of adultery, the sordidness of spouseless sex, the snagged zippers of the tearoom trade.
Without our conservatives and their mind meld with God, few of us would know the difference between a venial peccato and a veal piccata. That’s why they are key to my plan to stop sin.
Let’s start with the case of Bristol Palin, the purportedly pregnant 17-year-old daughter of conservative vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin. It has been announced that Bristol committed the common sin of fornication punishable by the standard second death in a lake of fire and brimstone.
You would think this a routine matter for our conservative brethren. But, presumably with word from on high, they are carefully avoiding any mention, let alone any penalty, for Bristol’s bad. Instead, they’re sympathetically characterizing her as an expectant teen cheerfully planning her coming military wedding (crossed shotguns) amid the joy of her loving family.
Indeed, they acclaim the Palins as a model of conservative family values, with dad bringing home the moose bacon and mom never too busy governing Alaska and running for the second highest office in the land to dote on her five children. In other words, there’s not sin but salvation in this supposed scandal.
As I recall, neither was any scarlet stain attached to the widely publicized peccadillos of conservatives Sen. Larry “Wide Stance” Craig, Rev. Ted Haggard, Rush Limbaugh, Bill O’Reilly and Congressmen Mark Foley, Vito Fossella and Don Sherwood, among numerous others prominent in the rightwing firmament.
In each case forbearance, forgiveness and forgetfulness were advised in place of His wrath. Thus sin was replaced by indulgence and therefore diminished, so to speak.
So, if we all become conservatives, and influential ones at that, we will be granted automatic excuses for each of our errors. Our country will become indulgence rich and sin poor. Without sin to preach about, churches could concentrate on prayer for profit, building drives, religious rock and bingo. What more could you ask for in a free market economy?